Perpetual Nights

I sit in front of the computer browsing through pointless sites, scrolling up and down on Facebook a hundred times, checking my mail over and over again. I feel butterflies in my stomach, like one feels when one’s about to go on stage for the first time. “I’ve had enough!” I say and slam my fist on the keyboard. I lie down on the bed and stare at the ceiling. I curse myself for making the same mistake over and over and over again. Then I wonder if it really was a mistake. I wonder if it was really worth fighting for and fighting with. I wonder if it really was more important than myself, my blood, my ego, my self-respect, my God, my everything. I don’t want to think about ‘it’ but ‘it’ takes over my mind. I light up a cigarette and take a few deep drags. Suddenly I get breathless and pacify it. I look outside at the darkness and then at the darkness inside. I try to fall asleep for the umpteenth time but keep tossing and turning. “Shit!” I shout. I get up again and light another cigarette. This time I finish it and watch the smoke dance around in the air. I get back to the computer again, check my mail again. Nothing. Facebook. Zilch. I can feel the anger rising up inside me. And then I explode. The room catches fire, the windowpanes crack. The whole room burns down to the ground in a matter of seconds. I open up my eyes and see the destruction.  Tears trickle down my cheeks. “What have you done to me…?” I ask no one. As if I got my answer, I lie down on the ashes, close my eyes with a deep sigh and fall asleep.

I wake up in the morning and clean up the mess I made.

I sit in front of the computer…